Middle age is an insidious thing. Like most things in life it sneaks up on you- there is no play book and suddenly there it is. Novels and movies either romanticize or demonize it, but I believe the truth lies somewhere in the middle and one’s experience is punctuated by gender, economics, circumstances…even luck. 

This is how my peers find themselves riding out careers with ease, summering at lake houses, even planning weddings for children.

Others unattached, weekend at leisure, are living their best decade thanks to afternoon Pilates and monthly facials. 

While I (and I know I’m know I’m not alone) – I woke up to find myself at war with my body and my mind every single day. A little more of a decade left in my career and suddenly I am in a chaos not of my making. 

The past year happened to me and I could not stop it. 

There have been attempts to fight back. I bolstered my savings and sent the oldest to college. At 40 I finally started therapy. I also told myself that was cause to stop the medication. The result: the wave of depression and literal weight hit again and so hard, the familiarity of futility wrapped me in its warmth. I caved and popped the pills again. I felt bad because, while this is familiar to me, almost old hat, I think I saw fear in the therapists eyes. What do you say to the person whose anger won’t let them see hope? 

New Years goals, diet, exercise, 5 year plans, vacations all feel like grasping at straws.

I am at war with myself. Maybe I have just lost myself. 

Tomorrow starts Lent.

This is the holiest of days for me. However, this year, it feels contrived- giving something up. 

I feel I have accidentally made myself small pouring out too much of the good. Too much of my whimsy, too much of my magic, my words, and my joy trying to fit something that maybe wasn’t for me at all. 

I was trying to be safe. 

In the middle of Lent I will turn 41. 

In the Bible 41 is a promise. 

I am claiming this promise for myself. This next year will not be the same. 

I will hear HIS voice, so that I will remember who I am and what I am supposed to say. 

So, I’m going to try and write everyday…. Or every other day. Who knows? 

I’m going to try and write because once upon a time that was what He told me to do and I stopped doing it. 

But also, I’m not going to engage in social media. It’s a cancer and an addiction. If you want to engage – please do it here (on the platform)  or text me. 

I have to hold myself accountable to this. 

I’m afraid of this. I’m afraid of sharing my ideas and “getting something wrong” but I’m also tired of being afraid and not doing what I know I am supposed to do. 

Let’s see what happens …

Isaiah 43:19 (NLT): “For I am about to do something new.   See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”