My Ash Wednesday was different than they usually are, but I was unnaturally unabashedly honest with my repentance this morning.

Driving in the dark I prayed (admitted aloud) that in my last depressive episode I noticed the slip in my intentionality, behavior, and heart… and I care… but I could not care enough now to turn the tide.

That’s a scary place to be folks. It’s different from the “I want to be bad” phase of youth. It’s more the weariness tiptoeing on despair…

Depression and I are old pals, but it’s rarely wrecked my character. And no, I’m not breaking any laws, I just wasn’t showing up with integrity to myself in all situations out of fatigue. So it’s a new struggle. But I’m owning it. And giving it to God.

In talking to a colleague later in the day about some of this and feeling super scattered about trying to show up better at school, she laughed and said, “Listen if you are thinking about how you show up each day and being reflective…. you are fine. Some of these folks…..” and then she laughed. I needed her grace and appreciated it. We commiserated on our to do lists that we growing and needed to be caught up.

This afternoon when I had my meeting with good ole doc I filled her in with details of the last few months with wry humor that I’m grateful she can take. She told me she was glad my therapist gave me an ultimatum and then she told me, “You’re still showing up.”

She asked me about one particular medication and I told her that I keep it only for emergencies. Even when things were really bad the last few weeks I didn’t take it- I just sat in the sadness.

And she looked at me and said, “I’m proud of you.”

And then this evening, randomly a colleague texted me. I shared with her some news and she shared some as well and in that exchange of information came the piece that wasn’t evident in all the social media posts. Her year has been just as crushing as mine. And in that I felt all the feelings. So much sadness, so much guilt…

Because this is a woman I look up to. I truly admire her strength, stewardship, and charisma and grace. And I totally get that my part in her life is adjacent, not front row, but I know her well enough to know that what I see is not a facade — circumstances are just that our lives have shifted and I don’t see the behind the scenes anymore.

And here is the thing… when you don’t see behind the scenes… she makes hard look easy. And it’s not true. Hard is hard. For everyone. And then I remembered that I failed at my intent to be off social media. (But it’s day one. At least I’m writing. I’ll give myself some grace).

And while I felt that sadness and guilt for realizing her year has been tough and maybe I could have reached out more, I also felt hope- because she shared good news. There has been a turning of the tide and something new is on the horizon.

More than hope, I felt joy.

That is what Lent is about: the something new. Even typing that I can feel it.

Christ came to strip the world, us, of the old things and make us into new creations. When I was in seminary I came across this amazing phrase that was seemingly coined by an Orthodox Bishop, Kallistos Ware. He would consistently say, “I am being saved.”

We’re not as bad off as we could be. There is still grace for us. There is still grace for us to offer. The people we compare ourselves to or unfairly place on pedestals don’t always have things as easy as it seems.

We are actually doing ok.

I’m still becoming something new.

And sometimes we just need to say it out loud and remind ourselves.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

1 Corinthians 5:17