Giving up.


Comparison is the root of all disappointment.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.                      I Corinthians 12:4-6

It has been approximately 90ish days since I last published a post. I have written a few since the last one and none of them seemed worthy of my readers (all five of them). I had moments of inspiration….flashes of creativity and then when I sat down to put the words to paper…..I was plagued by doubt and convinced that it was, at best, mediocre writing.

See, I have several friends who blog. Yes, the majority of them are cutesy friends from college who write in a completely different: voice, lifestyle, everything from mine. However, a few are for real friends. Flesh and blood and real conversations happen between us. And a few of them are successful. Like for real writers- blessed with success and wit and fluidity of their words. Two are being published.

And you see, I am not. I don’t know that I will ever be. The huge, for-real ideas I have in my head are things that a blog cannot contain. Like sermons! and novels! and commentary on the Holy Spirit, the sacraments, and the Imago Dei and…..so much more that my head is full of.

The past few months I have been lamenting. Full of sorrow that I would never come up with anything to put on this small outlet for my writing. Along with all the other misguided notions I have, I told myself if my blog writing was not “good writing”, then nothing else I wrote would be “good writing” either.  I compared myself to them. And their writing, and their success….and their sense of humor and grace in it all.

and then I thought…”if only I didn’t work“. And I compared myself to my home-maker mommy friends…. and their happy families.. and their clean houses.

and “if only I were done with my degree“…..and I lamented that the public school will never recognize my theology degree….and ” if only I had a for real ministry job“…..like…..

You see the rabbit hole I went down.

I had moments of correction. A good friend reminded me of my niche: HONESTY. “I love your writing” he said. And that night I wrote 2 posts……only not share a single one of them: I gave up.

I wrote a poem. My first in three years…. and it was is trite– full of angst and I am not a teenage girl anymore.

And then…..then……a word from the Lord.

I was cornered and forced to listen and told:

“NOTHING! Nothing you do, will put you where God wants you. “

It took me a few weeks– actually almost two months, but I got it. And so I will give up. I will relinquish the urge to compare myself to others. Compare my gifts to the gifts of others. Compare my life to the life of others and…….rest in knowing that this:

Image

and this:

Image

This life I have “Is God’s best for me.”  Everything else pales in comparison.

I do not know what this means for my writing. Perhaps this will be my last post for a while. Perhaps quitting other things will give a me a freedom to write more….

maybe you will be given a glimpse into my bad, baaad poetry.

Maybe, just maybe I will learn to believe what I preach to my kids at school and to everyone I love and apply it to myself.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6

What offense is ascribed to humanity before the sin of discontent? Humanity was blameless, the intimate friend of God and steward of paradise. But when he (mankind) succumbed to be discontent he ceased to care for God and ceased to have power to be content with heavenly things.”-Tertullian, On the Origin of Sin

2 thoughts on “Giving up.

  1. It’s ok to quit comparing, but don’t quit doing what you love. You fill a place that only YOU can fill … obviously as a wife and mom, but also in the ways God has shaped you 🙂 for ministry and life. Take this season and be who God has called you to be today … cause from what I see (and have seen!), that’s a pretty amazing woman!! “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.” (Romans 12:1 Msg)

  2. Comparing your life and its path to others and trying to live your life like theirs will eat you alive. Again, thank you for the honesty you publish through your writings.

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