Perhaps I am a ….. word I am trying not to type. My more liberal friends, please forgive me. I am trying to cut back on four-letter (in this case 5) words in both my conversation and my writing. Perhaps I am hormonal….. Perhaps I am stressed…. fatigued…..overworked… and running on empty…..
Several times this week I have spoken without thinking. Daily dose of foot in mouth.
I told a student without tact “I am done with your stank attitude…” (I could defend this but I won’t.)
I told Corbin to shut up.
I told a really good friend that the final product that had many many many (did I mention hundreds of) hours behind it that… “I don’t like the color.”
And today I yelled at my husband for something my son had done.
And I apologized for some of these things and others…. I didn’t.
And I am feeling like poo. Not because I intended to hurt the individuals I was speaking to. I think I was convinced that my opinion
was important needed to be heard — (even when it clearly wasn’t.) Each instance upon the realization of what I said, and more importantly, how it was received, I was sincerely remorseful.
That feeling of…man I screwed up, and how, WHY did I do that….
I am confused and asking myself, Why does it keep happening?
Every morning this week in my quiet time, I have prayerfully asked my Father to forgive me for the blatant failures and help me to do better. Lord, hold my tongue when I am angry. Keep my words from reflecting poorly on you…
And what have I done…. labeled myself as a selfish, merciless hypocrite.
After yesterday, I kept reliving the moment of apology… where I was seriously concerned (still am a little bit) that I would not be forgiven. (I think) I heard God saying:
“Don’t you see how lucky you are that I forgive without question?”
Boy am I desperate for it. Both on heaven and earth.
I am going to become that woman that is constantly shoving food in her mouth to keep from speaking….
I can pray for some more grace… some more fruit (Galatians 5:22-23) and perhaps a speech impediment that will keep the words from coming out.
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. – Plato